Hammer Horror - Part 4

So this is the end of the trek through Optimum Classic's Hammer Collection Box Set. It's had its highs and lows, but it's not the end of my series. Following this I'm going to write a short round-up of the box overall and then look at three films that have come out recently under the Hammer banner, after a hiatus of 35 years.

A few words about this set of six however, before I get too ahead of myself. Firstly, everything from She to Prehistoric Woman came out in three years: 1965-1968. The seven films from Scars Of Dracula to To The Devil A Daughter represent a much longer time - 1970-1976. They also represent what is considered by some to be the decline of Hammer Horror into exploitation, cheap titillation and senseless violence, before the studio finally all but bankrupted itself.

I may say more in the round-up, but for the purposes of these films, two things are worth remarking on; the slightly cosy, fun atmosphere of the earlier films was gone and all of the films rated 18 in this box are represented below. 

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The Ultimate Guide to The Ultimate Hammer Collection!
 

Film #16: The Horror Of Frankenstein

Summary and Review: Ralph Bates takes over from Peter Cushing this time around in what is essentially a reboot of the franchise - and one with a pretty massive tongue in its cheek. Bates' Doc is less a driven scientist with a skewed moral compass and more of a complete bastard - cruel to women, sneering at his friends, dismissive of his (disposable) helpers. The monster looks good as well, when it eventually appears, and there's also a huge acid bath in which you know some people are going to end up. Very funny in a very understated way and highly recommended.  

Best Moment: Frankenstein sells an old school chum up the river with an amazingly display of feigned innocence. "He's babbling about a monster? Clearly he is hiding something!" Also the moment when Frankenstein 'finds' the brain he is going to use.

Hammer Glamour: The cleavages in this movie are taken to such ridiculous extremes I suspect it's another intentional poke at the genre. Also, how the hell did Veronica Carlson get her hair like this? (It also satirizes this part of my Hammer round-up, which was always intended to be partially satirical in itself anyw-*HEAD EXPLODES*)

Unintentionally Funny Moment: "He was actually a pretty nice monster" Apart from all of the murderin'.

Bonus cameo: The housekeeper is Kate O'Mara, who played The Rani in Doctor Who.

Film #17: Blood From The Mummy's Tomb

Summary and Review: An evil sorceress is discovered in an Egyptian tomb by an intrepid group of explorers perfectly preserved. One of the group's daughter grows up looking exactly like the dead princess, each of the expedition has a relic from the tomb and as she approaches her eighteenth birthday the rest of the movie writes itself.

I thought I'd enjoy this one more than I did (the opposite of the last one, in fact). The plot's fun, but it buries itself under loads and loads of characters, at least initially and should have just focused on the daughter, the father (Andrew Keir again!) and the creepy man across the street who Knows More Than He's Telling. Characters like the fortune teller and the boyfriend didn't add a lot. The ending is also pretty funny

Best Moment: Some poor bastard gets menaced by a cobra statue, of which we only see the shadow. 

Hammer Glamour: Valerie Leon is the daughter/priestess. There's a reason she didn't get many other lead roles, but she was a Bond Girl twice apparently.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: The perfectly preserved sorceress is clearly breathing at a couple of points.

Bonus cameo: Aubrey Morris, who in the same year played the youth worker in A Clockwork Orange

Film #18: Straight On Till Morning

Summary and Review: A very odd tale about a young innocent  (Rita Tushingham) who gets into an intense relationship with a murderous psychopath named Peter (Shane Briant) who names her 'Wendy'. As it's apparent from early on that 'Wendy's a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket this turns less into a stalky psycho-thriller and more into a weird romance between two damaged people. Yeah, not really my cup of tea either, but my girlfriend loved it. It also screams THIS IS THE SEVENTIES.

Best Moment: All of the costume designs are fantastic, as is most of the facial hair.

Hammer Glamour: Not as such, because that's part of the point of the film, but I have been reliably informed that Shane Briant is quite nice to look at.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Not so much funny, but I did wonder how Peter can commit extremely loud murders and then dispose of the bodies in a terraced house in the middle of London.  

Bonus cameo: James Bolam, who looks like modern James Bolam in a wig. 

 

Film #19: Fear In The Night

Summary and Review: After the weirdness of the last entry, this one comes as something of a relief. Peter Cushing stars as a very strange headmaster at a boy's boarding school. A teacher brings his young wife (recovering from a breakdown, naturally) to the school grounds to live after she is attacked by a one-armed man in her apartment. But where are the rest of the staff? Where are the boys? Why does only she seem to converse with the headmaster? A very nicely plotted thriller that sets up some odd occurrences and miraculously doesn't cheat in explaining them. 

Best Moment: The moment when a shotgun is fired - and the twenty seconds afterwards when you desperately try to work out what just happened. 

Hammer Glamour: Judy Geeson or Joan Collins. Take your pick.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Peter Cushing is immaculately polite, even when being shot at.

Bonus cameo: There's only really four main characters in this one, so two from the end is the first one where I didn't see anyone extra of note

Film #20: Demons Of The Mind

Summary and Review: This one...is a mess. A brother and sister (twins?) who are way more into each other than they should be are kept locked up by their father in an effort to 'cure' their madness, which is apparently hereditary. A quack doctor is also on hand with an array of gadgets and a mad priest is living in the woods yelling about demons. Also the local girls keep disappearing. I patiently waited for what was going on to be explained but sadly that moment never came. The result is that this is plays like a cross between Witchfinder General and The Fall of The House of Usher but is much more of an incoherent mess than either.    

Best Moment: "The world will be a better place without me, and it won't even know that you died."

Hammer Glamour: Virginia Wetherall gets naked for such a flimsy reason, it actually becomes offensive. So it's going to have to be Shane Briant again.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: The moment when a young doctor's efforts to 'save' the girl backfires on him badly.

Bonus cameo: Sir Michael Hordern plays the nutty priest.

Film #21: To The Devil A Daughter

Summary and Review: The last film in the box! And the last film Hammer made for 35 years. Do they go out on a high, after the bizarre experimentation? Fortunately yes. Christopher Lee (yay!) plays the head of a satanic cult aiming to turn a sweet, innocent young thing into an Avatar for Astaroth. Against him Richard Widmark plays a researcher bent on stopping the cult and saving the innocent young girl. This film is exploitative and nasty, but it also has the most convincing satanists in anything I've seen (much better than the suicidal nutters in The Omen) mainly because Lee's obviously trying so hard. Other than that though, I can also see where the huge amount of criticism this film gets comes from, so this is probably for hardcore fans only.

Best Moment: Too many to count - the apparition in the church is a personal favourite.

Hammer Glamour: Honor Blackman, aka The Best Bond Girl Ever.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Christopher Lee shows his butt for a good few seconds. Was not expecting that.

Bonus cameo: Honor Blackman. And Christopher Lee's ass.

Hammer Horror - Part 3

It's been a while. After a month in which my internet was down, and a month where I moved house, not to mention a detour into short fiction, I thought it was time to resurrect this. Especially as this contains my favourite one so far - and the worst one. Enjoy! And whatever you do, do NOT watch Vengeance Of She without a buddy and a safe-word.

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The Ultimate Guide to The Ultimate Hammer Collection!
 

Film #11: Quatermass and The Pit

Summary and Review: While extending an underground station, workers discover a skeleton of a prehistoric human. They also uncover what at first appears to be an unexploded bomb. Except surely the skeleton should have been crushed by the bomb when it landed...

Words cannot describe how much I love this one. Andrew Keir plays Quatermass here, a kindly scientist who nevertheless Doesn't Suffer Fools Gladly. This film combines some of my favourite tropes - the military who remain obstinate and ignorant until, it's too late, Quatermass yelling at them that they are fools, fools I tell you!, workmen getting knocked off like redshirts in Star Trek. It's all good. Out of all the films in the box, this was the only one I had seen before I started this and the only one I would recommend completely without caveats or a tongue in my cheek. Amazing.    

Best Moment: An exceptionally creepy moment when a man goes back to collect his equipment. At this point, it's almost impossible to guess what happens next.

Hammer Glamour: Barbara Shelley, playing Quatermass' assistant. Fairly low key, compared to say, Dracula: Prince of Darkness. Plus she actually gets to do stuff!

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Some of the model work is somewhat less than convincing.

Bonus cameo: Duncan Lamont, who played the doomed astronaut in the BBC's original Quatermass  Experiment way back in 1953 - pretty much the first sci-fi shown on TV.

Film #12: Vengeance Of She

 

Summary and Review: From the sublime to the ridiculous. Actually, screw ridiculous, this film sucks. A remake/sequel (can't tell which) of She, minus Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Bernard Cribbens, Ursula Andress, most of the budget, the sense of fun and the awesome costumes. Possibly one of the worst films I have ever seen.

Best Moment: The credits.

Hammer Glamour: Replacing Ursula Andress with Olga Shoberova is not a good trade. Especially when poor Olga looks kind of confused throughout most of this mess.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Kilikrates has adjusted well to being an immortal ruler, considering how bitter he was about it.

Bonus cameo: Pink Panther Strikes Again fans might remember Colin Blakely as the British detective who has to deal with Clouseau.

Film #13: The Devil Rides Out

Summary and Review: Great fun, this one. Two friends discover a third friend is getting in too deep with an Evil Cult (tm) and endeavour to rescue him from their nefarious grasp. It all culminates in a siege where Christopher Lee (in a good guy role for once) pitches his wits against Charles Gray, who smirks throughout. Amazing effects, fun plot, well paced. An extremely enjoyable hour and a half - despite some bizarre plot holes. This is also one of Christopher Lee's favourites and one he'd like to see remade with modern effects. I'd be on board.

Best Moment: The entire siege sequence, which is basically the latter third of the film, is inventive and relentless. Also this - "The Angel of Death has been summoned. He cannot return empty-handed..."

Hammer Glamour: Nike Arrighi. Nope, I haven't heard of her either

Unintentionally Funny Moment: The couple who make sure they are perfectly safe and protected from the evil goings-on completely forget they have a daughter upstairs. The moment they realise is priceless.

Bonus cameo: Paul Eddington, playing Neglectful Parent #1. Now I just need to spot Nigel Hawthorne to have the full Yes, Minister set.

 

Film #14: Prehistoric Woman

Summary and Review: After the success of One Million Years BC, Hammer quickly re-used the sets and Martine Beswick. In this, one blond haired tribe is oppressed by a dark haired tribe (this is all sounding suspiciously familiar) and there's also something, something legend of the White Rhino. It was around this point I remembered that OMY BC had no dialogue, and I was grateful. It also had the benefit of not being like anything I'd ever seen before and Ray Harryhausen creature effects. This doesn't. No ball.

Best Moment: The appearance of the actual white rhino.

Hammer Glamour: Martine Beswick is no Raquel Welch.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: This was originally called Slave Girls in the UK, because 1967 was a very different time.

Bonus cameo: Steven Berkoff. As in the cantankerous playwright. OK...

Film #15: Scars of Dracula

Summary and Review: Awesome. Drac's back (again), terrorising the locals, sucking blood and generally being awesome. Two things are different. Firstly Christopher Lee actually talks this time round, which is always nice, with him hypnotising people to do his bidding, bidding them welcome to his castle (mwa ha ha) and all the stuff you really want to see him do. The second is that this film is gory as anything.  People have their faces bitten off, they are impaled, stabbed, set on fire and thrown off cliffs, and burned with hot metal. This film is nasty. Would I have it any other way? Nope. 

Best Moment: My real favourite is a bit of a spoiler, so I'll just the fate of one poor git's wife.

Hammer Glamour: Jenny Hanley, who went on to present Magpie.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: The angry peasants make violent speeches about taking down the evil in their midst, light torches, march on the castle shouting and praying, and then knock on the door. Scars of Dracula may be the most English film I've ever seen.

Bonus cameo: Is, is that Dennis Waterman?


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So that was that. This box had some crushing lows and exceptional highs, seemingly alternating. Now all I need to do is watch the last box.

The Hum - A Short Story

This story was written in about a day over Christmas after two things happened:

1) The internet was down for a month for no good reason
2) My DVD player started making weird noises

I since went back and tidied it up a bit. Enjoy!


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The Hum

I

Good morning, Doctor.

Yes, I am feeling much better. How are you?

Good. What would you like to talk about today?

Ah.

If you insist. 

The problem began, I suppose, when my motorbike hit the side of an articulated lorry. At least, that’s what they told me happened afterwards. I don’t remember, of course. I broke three ribs, both my legs, collapsed a lung and badly fractured my skull. They told me I was lucky. So did Mary. 

No, she doesn't visit any more.

I was in hospital for a few weeks before they discharged me, claiming me to be largely recovered. I was still in a wheelchair, of course, but they assured me the metal plate in my head had solved the most pressing threat to my continued wellbeing.  I was to have a nurse visit me twice a week to get me walking again, and a doctor’s visit every month to make sure I didn't present any, how shall I put it, neurological oddities.  

Of course, you already know all this. I am merely providing context. Narrative, if you will. It makes the whole thing seem tidier, don’t you think?

It didn't start until about a month later. On the day I came home, Mary had gone out and bought me several DVD box-sets of TV shows she knew I liked. It was while I was watching one of these - honestly I don’t remember what. To a man with my condition, television seems like such an abstract now. Anyway, I first noticed it beneath the dialogue. It seemed to be present in moments of quiet, in between what the actors on screen were saying. A low, vibrating hum. 

II

Naturally, I assumed there was something wrong with the cables at the back. When Mary got home, I asked her to check them for me. There didn't seem to be a problem at all, so when she went out next, she bought a replacement cable for the link between the DVD player and the television. 

It was still there the next day.

The television set and player were both fairly new – less than a year old. I thought it might just be me, so I did my best to ignore it from then on. It got worse, however, and by the end of the week, I could barely hear what was being said above the drone. Eventually Mary (to whom television is mostly a noisy distraction anway) sat down to watch something with me. After a few minutes, she declared she couldn’t hear anything at all. By this point the noise was starting to give me the headaches you have undoubtedly read about in my file.  I responded rather sharply that she must be deaf. 

The next day, both the TV and the DVD player were unplugged and put into the garage. It had become a point of contention for her and more than a niggling problem for me. It was probably the right thing to do, because unbeknownst to her, I had even begun to hear the hum when the television was switched off.

The neurologist didn’t help at all. He said that the plate in my head was settling in and that there was bound to be a few odd occurrences here and there. If I waited a couple of months, I would probably be able to watch it again. 

I asked him about people picking up radio signals on their fillings. He said that that was an urban myth.

III

A few days later, when I was more mobile, I wheeled myself into the kitchen to get a drink. There it was again. Below the slow natural hum of the refrigerator was a sharper buzzing. My hum.  I couldn't believe it. I wheeled back into the lounge.

I think that was the first time I really panicked. The first thought that crossed my mind was if I was unable to go into the kitchen, I was unable to feed myself during the day when Mary was at work.  The second, far more terrifying thought was that the Hum was spreading to other appliances.  What if it spread to every electrical device? What if it didn't stop? Many people talk of going back to nature or a simpler, more agrarian lifestyle. That was one thing. To be bodily forced into the 19th Century against my will was quite another.

Mary was very understanding when she came in. Her soothing tone and use of phrases like “crossing that bridge when we come to it” lulled me into a sense that perhaps everything would resolve itself. This sense was only surface deep, however, and beneath that black thoughts still danced.

The Hum got worse. Soon I was afflicted with it wherever I was in the house. By this time I had started walking again, thanks to my nurse, but the digital blood pressure machine she insisted on using sparked inside my head. 

Phones were now useless to me. All entertainment that was anything other than a book or a pen and paper was also now out. I couldn't even visit museums, once a simple pleasure, as a car ride was torture and the automated security systems clawed at my retinas. I was an outcast.

IV

In the end, Mary and I had to make that literally true. Mary found a cottage out in the depths of Wales that was perfect for this. It wasn’t hooked up to the mains; it had a gas-burning stove and an open fire. At the other end of the garden was a small shed, which Mary hooked up to a phone line and generator. She’d organised it to work out of there from now on, so she could keep her job and I wouldn’t be disturbed.  For the first time in nearly a year, I could relax. 

There is little else to tell. One week, while Mary was at a set of important meetings in London, she hired a housekeeper to come in on the Wednesday to give the house a once over. 

I don’t remember her name.

I had been reading steadily through The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes when The Hum hit me full force as it had never done before. It burned, it rasped, it gripped my spinal column like a vice. I was tormented, almost writhing in agony. Ah! It was all I could do to stand and reach for the poker by the fire.

I still don’t understand the screams of the woman, or Mary’s when she came in. 

Don’t you see, doctor?

I had to stop that damned woman’s pacemaker somehow.

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Hammer Horror - Part 2

Watching these Hammer films from the sixties can be a rather surreal experience, especially if you've been raised on significantly higher-budgetted affairs. There's usually only a handful of sets, the coulours can seem slightly too bright (especially the blood) and the scripts usually have a sense of wry, understated humour.

They can also be very, very camp, which is what they are famous for I suppose, but generally not in a modern nudge-nudge-wink-wink look-how-silly-we're-being kind of way. These films, at the very least, and for all their faults, present their stories straight and straight-faced - there's no narrative flashbacks as such, few dream sequences (although there's a good one in The Plague of The Zombies). This can actually be quite refreshing, and bizarrely makes the films quite a bit less predictable. They are also very British.

The simple reason these come across sometimes jarringly to a modern audience is that they belong to a genre that doesn't really exist any more. They are serious horror films (No! Bad Andy! Don't start that debate!) They are mid-budget wide release horror and fantasy, which simply don't exist any more and died off in the early seventies. To say that they don't make 'em like they used to is literally true. 

Also, while I aim to provide a (semi-objective) overview, it is apparent by now that I have a huge affection for these films, in all their (sometimes debatable) glory. 

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The Ultimate Guide to The Ultimate Hammer Collection!

 

Film #6: The Reptile

 

Summary and Review: I made the mistake of watching this one too soon afer The Plague Of The Zombies. It reuses a lot ofthe sets having been filmed back to back and undoubtedly the former is a much better film (or at least a scarier one). The plot revolves around an evil monster knocking off the locals which may have something to do with a sinister local Doctor, his Malay servant and his reclusive daughter (hint: it does). It also looks like it was shot through a yellow filter for some reason. A bit average, to be honest, but it has its creepy moments.

Best Moment: The first appearance (well, second) of The Reptile.

Hammer Glamour: Jennifer Daniel, looking a bit too much like Eleanor from The Haunting. Plus I had to google her as I couldn't remember, so not memorable.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: The friendly publican's easy acceptance of going grave robbing. I was reminded of Bender in Futurama - "I'll get my kit!"

Bonus cameo: John Laurie, best known as Private Frazer (We're all DOOOOOMED) from Dad's Army rather wonderfully plays a character here called Mad Pete.

Film #7: The Witches

 

Summary and Review: Joan Fontaine gets menaced by a coven of witches in a small community that may or may not be in her head. Nice and understated for about 80% of its length, it goes absolutely batshit insane for the last ten minutes or so. Nothing to do with the Roald Dahl book or film, unfortunately, although reasonably good fun if not at all scary. Could have done with more of a sense of humour about itself.

Best Moment: A bit with a doll's disappearance and reappearance is suprisingly sinister.

Hammer Glamour: This was the last film role for Joan Fontaine and she looks great. Also she's apparently still alive!

Unintentionally Funny Moment: The appearance of the coven's leader "Behold! My magnificent headgear!"

Bonus cameo: Leonard Rossiter of Rising Damp plays a not-very-sympathetic doctor.

Film #8: One Million Years BC

Summary and Review: A film whose poster is arguably better known than the film itself has the distinction of being nothing like I've ever seen before. There's only about a minute and a half's dialogue at the beginning in English and the rest of the film is in 'cave-speak'. It's utterly incomprehensible as far as the plot goes (something to do with a conflict between two tribes), but the real stars are the creature effects by Ray Harryhausen. It's also the longest film so far, coming in at 97 minutes.

Best Moment: The fight between a Triceratops and a T-Rex is in full glorious stop motion animation. Amazing.

Hammer Glamour: Iconic.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: "Akita!" is the word for freaking everything.

Bonus cameo: Robert Brown, the man who played M after Bernard Lee in Bond. Not that you'd be able to tell.

Film #9: The Viking Queen

Summary and Review: A retelling of the Boudicca story with an added love story and all of the names changed (for some reason). The titular Queen is the one person without a British accent (Finn Carita Järvinen). It's all lavish but very, very silly and overwrought, but wins points back by having Andrew Kier in a villain role and a druid played by Donald Houston who doesn't so much chew scenery as tear and devour huge chunks of it. Also there aren't any Vikings in it.

Best Moment: The chariot racing looks fun. I want a go.

Hammer Glamour: I suspect Carita was hired for her 'other assets' rather than her acting ability.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: "This isn't what we dreamed, is it?" is supposed to be the big emotional pay-off at the end but it's freaking hilarious.
 
Bonus cameo: Patrick Troughton, just before he was in Doctor Who.

Film #10: Frankenstein Created Woman

Summary and Review: Hooray! Peter Cushing's back! This is the fourth in the Frankenstein series which follow the exploits of everyone's favourite mad scientist. This time he's trying to trap people's souls after death in a series of evil experiments. His understated and calm amorality is always a joy to watch, and this is a fantastic return to the 'good stuff' after the past couple in the box - this eventually turns into a pretty straightforward and grisly revenge thriller. Lovely jubbly.

Best Moment: "Bodies are easy to come by, souls are not..." Mwa ha ha

Hammer Glamour: Susan Denburg, although she's evil and a bit crazy.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Frankenstein's response to being accused of witchcraft - although this was probably intentional.

Bonus cameo: Yes Minister's Derek Fowlds plays one of a trio of despicable cads. Nice.


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That's Part 2 done, folks, so stay tuned for Part 3!

Hammer Horror - Part 1

A few weeks ago while doing my Christmas Shopping on Amazon (it's not that I don't LIKE going shopping, it's just there's a lot of other people) and among all the things I bought for other people I bought this thing for me:

...because what's Christmas without a bit of low budget 60s and 70s film making, courtesy of Hammer?

The trouble was, before I bought it I had real trouble finding even a list of films included in the box, let alone a comprehensive review. I'll also try and include some bits and pieces about the studio itself, for those who are interested, although feel free to skip the intro each time. So here's my new series, including everything you wanted to know about the films in this box...

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The Ultimate Guide to The Ultimate Hammer Collection!

 

Film #1: She

 

Summary and Review: A fun romp in which Peter Cushing and two friends go in search of a lost city in somewhere that is either Egypt or Palestine (it's not clear) after the First World War. This city may or may not also contain an immortal sorceress who's hell-bent on resurrecting her dead lover. Also features Christopher Lee as her High Priest. Overall it's very pretty to look at, and the costumes are amazing. Almost like a very high budget episode of classic Doctor Who and definitely worth a look. 

Best Moment: The Village Elder has his daughter 'returned' to him. Mwa ha ha.

Hammer Glamour: Ursula Andress, best known as Honey Ryder from Dr No. Yowza.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Christopher Lee's collection of increasingly bizarre hats...

Bonus cameo: Hey look! It's Bernard Cribbens!

Film #2: The Nanny

 

Summary and Review: Hammer's last film in black and white stars Bette Davis as a kindly old Nanny who is mistreated by an obnoxious brat. What is his problem? She hasn't done anything wrong...or has she? This is one of the best ones in the box so far, eschewing the lavish opulence, sexiness and gore in exchange for a tidy little psychological thriller. I dig that. This is probably the least Hammer-y Hammer film in the set (the booklet says it 'represented a bit of a departure') and probably worth watching even if you don't like the rest of these.

Best Moment: Can't put the main one without spoiling the film, so I'll just say any time Bette Davis is on screen.

Hammer Glamour: Um...no.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: The kid's father goes so far beyond disinterested and stern he becomes hilarious after about two minutes.
 
Bonus cameo: Bit of an obscure one, but Bond fans will recognise Auntie Penelope as Jill Bennett, the skating instructor from For Your Eyes Only.

Film #3: Dracula, Prince Of Darkness

Summary and Review: Now this is more like it. In full, glorious colour, mostly red, and featuring Christopher Lee as the iconic Count, you can't beat this. Those three things listed in The Nanny review above? Yes, yes and yes. On Van Helsing duty this time is Andrew Kier as Father Sandor, an awesome, booming presence who is a worthy opponent for the evil Count. This is actually the third in Hammer's Dracula series, but as he always dies at the end it doesn't really matter where you jump in. My only criticism (and it is a small one) is that Lee doesn't actually speak, but in many ways he doesn't need to.

Best Moment: Undoubtedly the first appearance of the resurrected Count. There's a reason he's so well known for this.

Hammer Glamour: Barbara Shelley as a sultry vampire seductress. Awesome.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: This is played very straight so not many laughs, but Francis Matthews' "I'm sure this deserted castle with food laid out for us is perfectly safe" attitude is somewhere between grim and very, very silly.
 
Bonus cameo: Peter Cushing replays his role as Van Helsing for the first few minutes or so. always nice to see him and Lee together.

Film #4: The Plague Of The Zombies

Summary and Review: Ultralow budget yarn about bodies going missing from a graveyard after a mysterious illness. Kind of understated it manages to exude a low-level menace and creepiness throughout, and not just through the shambling undead. Containing virtually no known stars at ALL (seriously, you will not recognise these people) it spins, as they say, a good yarn. Not half bad. Shot as the B-Movie to Dracula, Prince of Darkness. Do NOT go into this expecting Night Of The Living Dead, yoiu will be disappointed.

Best Moment: The dead rise...

Hammer Glamour: Diane Clare is chirpy and quite nice to look at, even with a wierd haircut and an odd relationship with her on-screen father.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Not many, again, as it's played fairly well, but I like the way everyone says Haiti. Hay-eetee.
 
Bonus cameo: Like I said, there's no massive stars here, but classic Doctor Who fans might recognise the local constable as a doomed Kaled commander from Genesis of the Daleks (This is known as 'scraping the barrel').

Film #5: Rasputin, The Mad Monk

Summary and Review: For those of you (and me) that were disappointed that Lee didn't say anything in Dracula, Prince of Darkness, this is the antidote. Lee merrily eats his way through the scenery as the title character as he rises through the ranks of Russian Society after being kicked out of his monastery. It's all very camp and overwrought, but if you go with it, it's actually pretty effective, as Rasputin is Not A Nice Man. There's no one else who really stands out here, this is Lee's film, all the way, so if you're a fan then definitely see.

Best Moment: "Be careful little Peter, there are acids in here..."

Hammer Glamour: Barbara Shelley's back as well, so...yes.

Unintentionally Funny Moment: Dark and charismatic he may be, but sexy he ain't. The looks of disappointment on his sexy fan's faces when he decides his 'appointments' are done for the day are priceless.

Bonus cameo:Is that Last Of The Summer Wine's Alan Tilvern I spotted as a bar patron?


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That's all for now, folks, but stay tuned for the next five!

Andy's Adventures with Weirdly Specific Genres

As this week is Halloween and I am, well, me, I have been watching a lot of movies. As the weekend has become the week however, I have begun to realize that a lot of the films I have watched fall into specific genres. Some are VERY specific.

Spoilers, obviously

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Zombie Films In Which The Undead Rely On Inclement Weather

The Fog, 1980

The Return Of The Living Dead, 1985

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Horror Films That End With People Freezing To Death, But That Somehow Doesn't Provide Closure

The Thing, 1982

The Shining, 1980

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Horror Films In Which Veronica Cartwright Ends Up A Blubbering Wreck And Endangers Those Around Her

The Birds, 1963

Alien, 1978

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Horror Films In Which People Shoot At A Dog From A Helicopter, Which Then Explodes On The Ground

The Thing, 1982

The Beast Must Die, 1971

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Horror Films With Hilarious Unintentional Lesbian Subtext, Made In 1963

The Haunting, 1963 

The Birds, 1963

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Prometheus and Ambiguity

Prometheus as a film was one I had largely forgotten about. In a summer that had some of the best blockbusters I can remember (Avengers Assemble, Dark Knight Rises, Pirates! etc. – people may disagree on the various merits of these films but they were all nothing less than extremely entertaining, ultimately popular cinema’s raison d’être) Prometheus ranked as probably the only truly disappointing film I saw.

So why go back? Two reasons, really. Firstly, I saw it again, in the original theatrical cut*. The second was that during an online discussion about the film, after expressing my qualified disappointment**, this was the response:

”I suppose some people just don’t like ambiguity in their science fiction any more.”

Now, in one way, this was a last ditch response from someone telling me ‘I just didn’t get it’. In another, you could argue that maybe there was a point buried there. Many people I know were confused by Inception, for instance. So are we being spoon-fed, so to speak?

To answer that I will do something that I criticised reviewers for doing at the time – compare the film to Alien***. But this isn’t a review. So I’m not a hypocrite. Or much of one. Whatever.

Central to this is my hypothesis is that there are two different sorts of ambiguity – the kind that adds atmosphere (in Alien’s case, a layer of dread) and the kind that obfuscates the plot and makes the motivations of everyone involved muddy as hell.

Alien has its fair share of ambiguity. Watched in isolation, the presence of the space ship, the ‘jockey’, the eggs and even the motivations of the company remain utterly opaque. Sure, the characters pose various theories, particularly with regards to the company, but you’re left to fill in some very large blanks.

But (and this is an important but) at no point are any of the crews’ motives random or unexplained. All the reactions expressed are perfectly logical and natural – curiosity, horror, disgust and a sincere desire to kill It, whatever It is they are dealing with. In one early scene, the discovery of the diversion to investigate the derelict ship results in an argument about pay bonuses. This is the good sort of ambiguity – at no point does it detract from the plot, muddle motivations of the human characters (se what I did there, Alien fans?). Even the alien itself is pretty unambiguous, except in its origins. It is, after all, a pretty large, extremely dangerous animal.

Prometheus, on the other hand, has characters that do weird things constantly. There’s a dude who tries to tickle a completely new alien creature. There’s a robot that poisons one character for reasons that it’s possible to guess, but are left maddeningly unclear. Another character sacrifices himself with absolutely zero build-up.

Most irritatingly, the ‘Engineer’ when they find it and wake it up, attacks indiscriminately with what appears to be a sadistic glee. I usually refrain from swearing on here, but what the absolute fuck? The same race that seeds life on earth then turns out to be a race of assholes (actually, that would explain a lot). I’ve heard the theory put forward that it was ‘grumpy’ from having been woken up by some of its own creations, but why would it then pursue Noomi Rapace’s character? (Insert appeals to Blue and Orange Morality here.) If a character’s motivation needs explaining by debates on the internet, that is not good plotting. Sorry, gotta draw the line somewhere.

This is probably the best example in the film itself, but the fact that there is more than one suggests that the ambiguity in this film was caused by slapdash plotting. This is the ‘bad’ kind of ambiguity. It’s what makes Prometheus a badly written film, let alone a sci-fi film. No amount of ‘You don’t get it’ can salvage poor characterisation, ‘bad’ ambiguity, and a lack of coherence.

Rant ends.

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* For all the claims that the DVD and Blu-Ray releases ‘answer questions’ the fact remains that they released the theatrical version as a Finished Product, so its problems are still up for debate. That and the fact that I believe Prometheus’ problems are so entrenched in the narrative that extra scenes won’t clean it up very much.

** Two things saved it from the scrapheap. Michael Fassbender’s performance was excellent, even though he falls victim to the same odd plotting as everyone else, and Noomi Rapace’s scene in the medical unit, which may be my scene of the year.

*** There is an argument to be made that Alien is actually a horror film rather than a sci-fi one, so comparisons between Prometheus and Alien are unfair. I have a certain sympathy with this view (demarking genres is a contentious issue, but compare Alien to Star Wars and Halloween and see which it most resembles) but the marketing clearly highlighted the link to Alien and shot itself in the foot by doing so.